Do you know someone having surgery? Isolation is far too common after having a major surgery, and I can relate to this in so many ways. Many emotions can occur during the recovery. Especially during first few weeks, the person may be bed-ridden, experiencing the side effects of medications, may be in a lot of pain, and may be limited in mobility. Complications can happen and it’s possible that most people will not let on much because they feel overwhelmed or wish to remain private. All of the surgeries are just as stressful and taxing so they should not be minimized.
While we know how busy you are, you do have at least an hour in the week where you can reach out. Everyone does. It doesn't have to be a lot but it shows the person you care. Often times, people don't reach out because they don't know what to say, but this is the wrong mentality to have. Despite what people may say, everyone likes to be thought of.
I had three major surgeries in the last 11 months and I had spent the last two years in chronic pain. I've also had other minor procedures which were also taxing in their own way. It really became clear to me this year who were the people that really cared and the people that I grew apart from. It’s important to support your loved one, family member, or friend while they are going through something major, no matter how many surgeries they have. The thing the stunned me the most was that except for my parents and fiance, nobody asked me how I was doing, or reached out directly even text. I had little energy most days and it took a lot of effort just to do my own work, so I slept a lot and rested in my free time. I lost touch with people and they did not seek me out either.
I looked for support online and joined a bunch of support groups of like-minded individuals who were going through the same thing. It helped a lot and the people really cared. They even reached out the day of my surgery while all of the other people in my life had forgotten.
Here are some tips for how you can offer some quality emotional support and trauma-informed support:
Best thing you can do is listen, don’t speak for them or assume. Often times, someone just needs to be listened to and needs to vent.
Ask them what they need or if they need anything.
Send a get-well card or email. It shows you care.
Don’t expect anything from this person, even text responses, from this person for several weeks. They will get to it when they can.
Don't burden them with your own problems for a few months. I'm not saying you shouldn't have a right to vent either, but a good friend knows when to pull back when the other person is going through something tough. They may not have the headspace for listening as doing daily life tasks are a struggle and they have a lot of other priorities to maintain their health. They will come back if they value you, just wait.
Offer to lend a hand if you are able to. Offer to bring over some food, order delivery for them, and help out with chores.
Don’t ever assume how someone may be feeling physically or emotionally, or ask when they will be up walking and doing regular activities. Recovery is a long, long process and it is not linear in any means. They might be feeling good one day and the next day they might be bundled over in 10/10 pain. Ask how they are doing, and support them based on their response.
Don’t say, “you sound good” because a person can sound okay without being okay. and don’t say, “good luck!” if you know that person well. It sounds like you’re leaving them high and dry.
Don't send emoticons in exchange for real words.
If they post on social media, “liking” really isn’t enough if you know them personally, because the truth is you aren’t really there. While it’s a nice gesture, it is sort of meaningless. The person is posting for validation or to share their experience. You saw the post for 1 minute at most.
Things to Say:
Provide validation and affirmative comments like, “you’re doing great,” “I’m glad I could see you."
Congrats to you for making a huge step towards feeling better.
"Thinking of you, how are you doing?"
"Hang in there, you're doing amazing"
"Sending you healthy recovery vibes your way"
"Wishing you a speedy recovery"
Overall, reaching out really shows the person you really care.
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